


we'll be more than getting through.

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-24 09:14:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16172096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: He loved being closer to his family. He loved having his own space he can crawl back to. He loved having the restaurants that made his favourite foods. It’s just that it didn’t feel the same anymore.or adjusting is hard but at least there's pizza.





	we'll be more than getting through.

**Author's Note:**

> i had a hard time adjusting after my time of studying abroad a couple years ago, i can relate (to what dan may be going through) and wanted to write that out because it's hard adjusting back to normal life (even if it is temporary). 
> 
> *gives everyone a slice of pizza*

loss.  
noun.

1\. the fact or process of losing something or someone. 

2\. the state or feeling grief when deprived of someone or something of value. 

3\. _a person or thing that is badly missed when lost._

—— 

It feels like a loss, he wants to say.  
It feels like something is missing, he wants to say. 

He knows that it may not make sense. He knows that this was coming. He knows that this is normal. It’s just that it’s overpowering, it’s consuming the parts of him that need to function. It’s not everything—but it feels like it. This feeling. 

The truth is, Dan is just sad. He’s sad and he has too many emotions with no way to cope with it because not everyone in his life can relate to it in the same way that he can, and no one can read his mind as much as he’d like them to. No one can convince him otherwise that this isn’t the end. (It is the end of _something_ , but again, not everything.)

Maybe it’s the weather changing, he can convince himself that, to pass the blame onto something else other than his shitty brain that can’t compartmentalise his emotions as well as he wants it to. It’s the problem with caring about things so intensely, he feels everything and it builds up, and it builds up, and it builds up, until he’s holding it in his hands like a bomb, not sure whether to throw it out and let it blow up or nurture it for a little while longer. 

So, he orders pizza. 

“Do you want it delivered?” Phil asks, he’s got his computer out and ready.

Dan shakes his head. 

“I’ll pick it up.”

Phil just nods, and tells him to remember to wear something warm. _The weather is changing after all._

Dan takes a deep breath, putting his shoes on and he walks out their flat and he doesn’t bother waiting for the lift. It’s just a short amount of exercise walking down the stairs, but he’ll take anything right now. He knows that there’s ways to prevent this feeling from getting darker but sometimes—sometimes he wanted to be human and to feel it. 

He doesn’t bother listening to music, it’s safer that way anyway. He shoves his hands in his pockets and fast walks to the pizza shop, he’s a little earlier than the time the pizza place gave him, so he tries to slow down and take his time- but now that he’s out of the house all he wants to do is just be back in. 

It would take time to adjust.  
It would take time to adjust.  
It would take time to adjust. 

He thinks that if he repeats it enough he’ll start to believe it. 

He loved being home. He loved being in the same place as his friends. He loved the things that they’ve accumulated over the years spread out across their flat. He loved being closer to his family. He loved having his own space he can crawl back to. He loved having the restaurants that made his favourite foods. It’s just that it didn’t feel the same anymore. It wasn’t what he was used to anymore. He knew that the feeling of familiarity would come back, but he had been gone for so long he was still trying to remember what that feeling was like. 

Getting house plants had been good. It was nice being able to bring in some new life into their flat even if it was as small as house plants, he’d cater to them this time and help them grow. They weren’t going to leave for a while. He thinks that he can dedicate his time to that and to figuring out what to do next he’ll be okay. _It’ll be okay._

Dan feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

_Apparently strangers things isn’t coming out until summer wtf_  
_I’m gutted_

Dan stares down at his phone and he walks under a streetlight, he waits to reply until after he’s walked passed it. 

It seemed that he was always hiding from something, tonight it was just from a second of light. It seemed ridiculous in hindsight now that he thought about it. 

_yeah i mean shows take time to make_  
_what do u want to watch tonight then?_

Dan just wanted to get lost in a television show and eat a large amount of pizza. He didn’t want to feel anything that he was feeling now because it was sometimes overwhelming. 

_Who knew? Unacceptable >:(_  
_What do u want to watch??_

Dan finds himself shying away when groups of people walk by him, it’s out of habit, trying to make himself feel small when it comes to people. He doesn’t exactly remember when it started, but he had been doing it for so long he thinks that it’ll be a hard habit to shake. He straightens out when the group of people pass and trying his best not to look back. Another bad habit. 

_i’ll watch whatever you want to watch_  
_if you picked a comedy i wouldn’t hate it_

When he’s reached the pizza shop he stands outside of it for a second, going in and smiling at the person who greets him. 

They sometimes give a different name, it was something that he and Phil started back in Manchester despite the fact that people knew what their names were but they went with it because it didn’t harm anybody. Tonight it’s just Dan. 

“No Striker?” the guy says, handing over the food and the bag of dips, he’s got a soft smile. 

It actually makes Dan genuinely laugh, shaking his head. 

“Nah, not tonight. Maybe next time.” He says, grabbing the food and thanking the man. 

There’s a table outside the shop, he places the boxes down and gets his phone out again. 

_the guy was disappointed that our name wasn’t striker_  
_i told him it was just me lol_  
_i’m on my way back home now_

Maybe he’ll post a story. 

Dan had a hard time wanting to be vulnerable online but sometimes he didn’t know how to do it without worrying people. He pushed all those thoughts away and just wanted to be honest, maybe he’d say something moderately funny. It was okay. He was human. He felt things and he needed to release them, this was his way how. 

When he got back to their flat he tried to reach for his keys when he remembered that he had forgotten to take them. He rings their doorbell, pizza boxes, dips, and heart in his hands. Phil greets him with a smile, grabbing some stuff from him to lessen the load. 

When Phil puts the boxes in a row Dan grabs his phone out of his pocket and sees the last message from Phil. 

_I like ‘just Dan’ anyway_

Dan smiles a little, walking over to sort their dips out. 

Maybe this is the only thing he can do right now, but that was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated!
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**
> 
> [reblog](http://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/178680059413/well-be-more-than-getting-through-pairing) on tumblr.


End file.
